just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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