I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
