More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
