I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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