Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
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