My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Randomize
