I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
