Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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