The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
i need to put some appletini on your dick
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
