So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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