forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
