my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
