my phone needs a breathalizer
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
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