Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
