am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
