She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
