My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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