My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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