I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize