you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
