remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Randomize
