I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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