"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
