So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
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