hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize