what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
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