My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
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