so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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