he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
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