Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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