i think my tv is drunk
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
