Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Randomize
