So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Randomize
