can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
It's like God shit irony all over that family
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
