I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
I did not marry a roomba.
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