Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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