The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
