She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
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