he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
