guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
