So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
