ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
You're like the curious george of whores
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
