i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Randomize
