Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
