my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
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