Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Randomize