She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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