the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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