you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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