I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize
