Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
