here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
im six kinds of drunk right now
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Is it penis luge time yet?
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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