If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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