I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
