I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
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