I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
We need to feng shui this bitch.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
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